One Liners

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his
chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is
free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are
different colors.......but they all have to learn to live in the
same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left
open.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old
because you stop laughing.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust
our sails.

If the shoe fits......buy it in every color